Fun in Decon
by Frakme
Summary: The word 'fun' is meant to be sarcastic. Bit of a crackfic take on the decon process.


**Hoshi, Malcolm, Trip and T'Pol in Decon after falling in a swamp. It's slightly crackfic-y. **

**It's kind of a response to the soft porn decon scene in 'Broken Bow'. As much as I adore seeing a nearly naked Trip Tucker, the scene did annoy me as it detracted from the dialogue(I've watched it three times and I still have no idea what the hell Trip and T'Pol were talking about!) and it had the effect of trying to sex Star Trek up in a pointless fashion for the non-Trekkie viewers. Leave that to the fanfic writers please ;)**

"Malcolm, please tell me you'll wipe your hands before flying the shuttlepod" said Trip, exasperated as the armoury officer moved to the pilot seat.

"With what, exactly?" retorted Reed, looking down at his slime splattered uniform. He glared at the other three occupants, all equally covered in smelly, viscous slime. Although, Malcolm noticed, T'Pol still managed to look dignified, unlike Hoshi, Trip and himself.

"There must be some paper towels or something around here" muttered Trip, checking storage lockers.

"Sit down, Commander!" said T'Pol, her tone slightly sharp. "You are wasting time. We can clean ourselves once we have reached Enterprise. You can arrange a cleaning detail for the shuttlepod then."

Trip sat down with an audible squelch next to Hoshi, who was looking thoroughly miserable, her normally glossy black hair hanging down in limp, slimy strands. The four of them had been unceremoniously dumped in a swamp when a ledge they were traversing gave way.

"We stink!" she said, mournfully. "We smell like something died, then was eaten, then was defecated out again."

"While your description is somewhat colourful and emotive, Ensign" said T'Pol. "I find I cannot disagree with the sentiment."

The shuttlepod lifted off and the four of them sat in wet, smelly, gloomy silence.

"Enterprise this is Shuttlepod One, ready to dock" said Hoshi into the comm.

"We've got you" same the reassuring tones of the captain. "You certainly seemed to have had quite an adventure!"

Malcolm bristled at the amused tone in the captain's voice.

"Phlox has informed you will all need to go into Decon when you arrive" continued the captain. "Archer out!"

Tucker, Reed and Sato let out a combined groan.

"I was so looking forward to a hot shower" grumbled Hoshi.

"I think we'll need a week's worth of hot water rations to get this crap off of us" said Trip.

The shuttlepod docked and the four of them made their way into Decon.

"I've left you some clothes to change in" came the irritatingly cheerful voice of their Denobulan physician. "And I've made up a special blend of Decon gel to destroy the pathogens present in the swamp slime."

The four of them shuffled around, stripping down to their blues, it was a bit of a tight squeeze with the four of them in the small chamber. By the time they were dressed, Tucker, Sato and Reed were looking pissed off and even T'Pol was looking discommoded, as Tucker managed to step on her foot twice.

Hoshi then picked up the gel and gave it a cautious sniff.

"GAHHHH!" she exclaimed, nearly dropping the tub. "This smells worse than the slime!"

Not quite believing her, Trip gave a cautious sniff and turned slightly green.

"Oh jeez, it smells like a tyrannosaurus rex has vomited some bad sushi!"

T'Pol managed to refrain from asking how he would know what the vomit of a long dead creature smelt like. It was taking all of her emotional control to not react to the smells she was enduring, her nasal inhibitor unfortunately starting to wear off.

The four of them applied the smelly gel to themselves and each other, being careful to cover every inch of skin. Hoshi broke first, rushing to the head to vomit, almost knocking Malcolm over in the process. Malcolm followed her next, barely given her time to clear out of the way before emptying his guts.

"Oh dear" they heard Phlox say. "I shall send down some anti-emetics and some nasal inhibitor for Subcommander T'Pol."

The four of them sat on the floor, all of them, including T'Pol now, looking pale and unhappy. Phlox's cheery face soon appeared at the window and he placed the hyposprays in the small airlocked compartment. As Malcolm was closest, he got up and fetched them, handing them around.

"How long til we get out, Doc?" said Trip.

"Another two hours" was the reply.

The three humans looked at each other in despair and T'Pol looked resigned.

"You know, I heard a couple of crewman talking the other day in the mess" said Hoshi. "Talking about Decon."

"What did they say?" asked Trip, trying to stretch his legs out, much to Malcolm's irritation as he found himself crushed further into the corner.

"They were talking about how they'd love to get into Decon with certain members of the crew, you know get nearly naked, rub gel all over them, nothing else to do for a couple of hours."

Trip and Malcolm looked at Hoshi incredulously.

"They've gotta be kidding!" said Trip. "It's cold in here, it's uncomfortable, the gel is usually smelly although not usually as bad as today's and there is nothing to do!"

"Don't forget Phlox watching us every minute" said Malcolm, darkly. "He'd love it if some idiots decided to get it on in Decon. He's been dying for the opportunity to watch human mating rituals. It'd be in a scientific paper faster than you can say 'Pyrithian Bat'!"

"I know" said Hoshi. "Clearly those crewman have never been through Decon."

"I must confess" said T'Pol. "I experience a great deal of discomfort in these environs. It is a thoroughly unpleasant procedure. However for the safety and wellbeing of the crew it is one we must endure."

The four of them lapsed into silence. After awhile, Trip couldn't stand it any longer.

"Anyone want to play Charades?"

Hoshi weighed up the likelihood of Trip busting her ass to crewman for assaulting a superior officer and decided it was worth it. She slapped the back of his head.

"Ow, Hoshi!" he said, rubbing his head. "What was that for?"

"Sorry sir" she said. "My hand slipped!"

Eventually, to their relief, Phlox cleared them to leave, having left them some sickbay pyjamas to change into.

"Well, I'm glad that's over" sighed Hoshi. "Now to the showers."

The four of them set off, glad their ordeal was nearly over, avoiding the looks of disgust at the smell passing crewmembers failed to hide.

Those crewmen in the mess hall have no idea, they all thought. Except for T'Pol, who was reminded again how odd and illogical humans were.


End file.
